My life starts anew today. I am so ashamed of the state of my body and I need to start fresh. I have gained back all the weight I lost (over 100 pounds) and am, once again, a fat girl. I never wanted to be here again, and I'm still not entirely sure how it happened.
Once I reached goal weight, I just didn't know how to eat. I was so happy being thin, but didn't really commit to continuing to eat well. Slowly things starting slipping. Then I moved to Modesto, and my support system fell apart. It took me a year to realize it, but I was in relapse. Then I embraced the relapse and things got really crazy! I ate everything I had been denying myself for so long.
I felt like I let so many people down. It's funny, because at the time I didn't think about how I was letting myself down, just everybody else. Now I'm facing moving back to San Diego, and I'm so afraid of having to face everyone. For them to see the evidence of my failure. There's a small part of my brain that contemplates staying here just to avoid that.
I am angry, and sad, and ashamed. I am trying to toughen up and just move forward from where I am, but it's really hard. I feel mired in failure and unwilling to do the work that's necessary to recover.
I pray to God that he will give me the strength to heal.
